Maths Tests!

From the mouths of babes.....
a)

..

b)

c)

d)

Blonde joke (Sorry to all blondes)

I live with three blondes but this is not the same with 'blondeness'

A Blonde woman rings the fire brigade and says
"HELP, my house is on fire!"
So they ask her "How to get there?"
She says "Hellooooooo - in the f***ing red truck

After No Dates For Five Years.......

After no dates for three years a woman goes to see a Chinese Expert Sex Therapist named Dr Chang.
"Take of ya crouse, get down and craw reery reery fas to other side room" Says Dr Chang.
She does this.
"OK, now craw reery reery fas bac". As she did this, Dr Chang shock his head.

"You problem is vewy vewy worse case of Ed Zachery disease I ever see dat why you get no date"
"Oh my God!" She says, "What is Ed Zachery Disease?"
Dr Chang replied "It's when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse".

Who's so smart?

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we`re about to crash. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world`s greatest athlete and I should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world`s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world`s smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don`t worry, your holiness. The world`s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Ponerables

Subject: Ponderables

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark tobecome a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos and RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Norma Findlay, Room 302

Here's a dry little joke for any of you who have experienced a hospital in-stay recently........I have.......I understand.


An elderly woman telephoned St. Michael's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to
speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

In a tremulous voice the woman said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few
minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma
is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The woman said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything."

Statues

I like this one, short but sweet.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You`ve been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,

"That I`m going to give you a special gift. I`m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,

"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I`ll crap on it's head."

Tickle

Tickle have some fantastic quizes BUT be warned it's an expensive site and also full of spam.

Here's a link for anyone wishing to bother with it;http://uk.tickle.com/

It's the UK link however for anyone in other parts of the world there will be a link for you there. If you would like FREE quizes then stick with ME. I don't have ANY spam!!!

A quick word

I'm going to be have to do a fair amount of research here to look up the best laughter to so that I can put links and entries here......Please give me time to ensure I make this a good blog!

Definition of a panda

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"The bartender opens his dictionary to panda:
"A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Say a squirrel prayer

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.